I get a little sarcastic sometimes...

So today I learned I have to be much better at managing reflux, since it's causing some inflammation on my vocal chords.  I'm a little bummed about some of the recommendations I was given to improve that, so in typical fashion, I decided to use a little sarcasm/humor to cope and share my reactions.  

(DISCLAIMER: This is sarcasm.  I truthfully am taking the recommendations very seriously)

1. Don't drink alcohol before a show - Okay fine, but how about after?  Celebratory drinks are a must, right?!

2. Forget about consuming caffeine - Is it worth risking the possibility that I will fall asleep in public, possibly while operating a vehicle?  I'm not sure.

3. Don't be overweight - Well....that's gonna be a challenge

4. Eat 3 meals, no snacks, but only eat small meals - So I should cut my food intake in half?!  Please don't call me, talk to me, look at me, or breathe in my general direction the week that I decide to do that.  I can't promise I won't hurt you.  

6. Don't bend over - How much will it cost to pay someone to follow me around and tie my shoes everyday?

7. Don't exercise vigorously - HA! I won that one, reflux.  No worries there. 

8. And worst of all, tomatoes are a no-no - Jokes aside, this is a serious matter.  Anyone who fucks with my pizza, will pay the price.  And no, it's not the same to just switch to white pizza without sauce, so don't even suggest it! ; )